Relatable with Thrive Therapy

EP33: Codependency

In this week’s episode of Relatable, Colter, Cayla, and Lauren take a deep dive into Codependency—what it truly entails, what it doesn't, and how it can sometimes be mistaken for other trendy buzzwords circulating today (which we'll delve into next week, so stay tuned).Key Discussion Points:Independent vs. Interdependent vs. Codependent: In relationships, independence emphasizes self-reliance and personal freedom, where one doesn’t seek validation or support from others. Interdependence reflects a healthy balance of self-sufficiency and openness to sharing needs with a partner. In contrast, codependency blurs boundaries and prioritizes others' needs over one's own, leading to a loss of self. How does one find equilibrium in meeting their own needs?Identity: How does our dependency on others influence our sense of worth? Do we define ourselves through external validation, or can we cultivate self-worth independently? Codependency often traces back to childhood attachment styles and how we learned to fulfill our emotional needs. Perhaps we believe our worth lies in giving endlessly, or in not receiving enough. Addiction and attachment to loved ones, including narcissists who validate our need to be needed, may also play a role (more on this next week). Is this indicative of an insecure attachment style?This episode explores strategies for shifting relational dynamics and empowering oneself. For instance, do you find yourself apologizing excessively to gain validation? Is your desire to be liked hindering your self-care? Discovering a balance that prioritizes personal values is key.For further resources and community support, visit CoDA.org.

EP 32: Red Flags

On today’s episode of Relatable, we dive into a topic that seems to be fairly hot on social media these days, but is it in the right way? Red Flags. What are they? How do we recognize them? Your first instinct might be to RUN, but is it REALLY a red flag? Colter, Cayla and Lauren discuss the differences between red, yellow and green flags… and even break down how they see them individually.
Key Discussion Points:
What is a Red Flag: Red Flag. Yellow Flag. Green Flag. Orange Flag? Red flags tell us its time to stop/run from the relationship. But how does one’s individual attachment system define if it might be a yellow flag? Maybe you should slow down and take a pause. Flags in the Dating Arena: So, you met someone. You go on a date. Then suddenly the communication stops. Are you being ghosted? Any normal person would immediately jump to questioning themselves about what they did wrong. But is it you? Maybe they told you they aren’t looking for anything serious. Probably a red flag. Not into labels, or want to keep things casual? That could be a yellow flag that could easily be turned green, because at least they communicated their needs upfront. We break down a few other instances when one might see it as red, but another might see it as yellow, and maybe a “pause” might help in making a decision whether you want to pursue this person or not.Flags in Established Relationships: Maybe your partner/spouse said, “You’re not allowed to go out with your friends.” Wait, what? Definitely a red flag. The word ‘allowed’ ALONE screams run. But maybe they had issues in the past that makes it impossible not to feel that way? Maybe this is a hard orange…? Do you give your partner access to your phone, or share your location? Green flag, right? But what if you are becoming obsessive about it? How often are you checking. Don’t want to talk about your past? We talk about our own experiences with our partners in these situations. This episode is a lot like last weeks, where it really does come down to one’s individual boundaries, negotiables, and non-negotiables. But if you take anything from today’s episode, its that we all have a different window of tolerance when it comes to our intimate relationships. Just because it’s a red flag for someone you see on social media, that doesn’t automatically mean it will be for you.

EP 31: When to End a Relationship

Today’s episode examines the thought process behind knowing when to end a relationship or not. How many times can we forgive someone after a transgression? How many chances should one get? Maybe you think your relationship is devolving into more of a friendship. Is this just a season of my life? Join Colter, Cayla and Lauren as they discuss the struggles of making a decision that sometimes might feel impossible and gain some valuable tips that will help you make that choice.
Key Discussion Points:
The Struggle: It’s not so simple… it’s hard in two ways!  Are you self-protecting, and think you are ending things too quickly? Maybe you don’t want to feel like a fool, maybe you want to avoid pain. On the other hand, maybe you’ve stayed too long. “This” is better than nothing, right? Or are you buying time?
Attachment Dynamics: We all crave familiarity. Even if it’s negative, like rejection or abandonment. Are we attracting someone (even friends!) that make us feel like we can “fix” something damaging from our past?  Will staying in a toxic relationship fix “me” because I fixed “it”?
Non-Negotiables: We focus so much on wants, but what are our needs? Do we have the personal capacity to manage the moments that stress us out, or do we dysregulate our coping mechanisms that eventually make us stay? We discuss our personal values and how they come into play when we don’t know how to take the first step and leave.
Our Window of Tolerance: Our patience levels can impact how much we tolerate any situation. Every person can only take so much, especially if the other party is not doing the work. Maybe you are making the changes needed for a healthy relationship, but are they? We discuss how individual boundaries come into play, and how everyone tolerates their partner differently when those boundaries are crossed.   
Ultimately, this is a decision only you can make. Our hope is that you gained some insight and workable tips and tools that you can implement into your thought process when you are feeling stuck and unsure of what to do.

EP 30: Let's Talk About Sex! Part 2

In today’s continuation of our last episode, Lets Talk About Sex, Colter joins Cayla and Lauren to dive deeper into the relationship aspect of our sex lives, and how we can better understand our partners to make our sex lives feel safer, improve communication, and hopefully help bring some spontaneity back into the bedroom.
Key Discussion Points:
The Sexual Cycle: Are you Patrick the Pursuer in your sexual relationship, or Wendy the Withdrawer? Maybe you are the Pursuer or Withdrawer in the emotional aspect of your relationship, but when it comes to the sexual cycle, you might be the complete opposite. We dive into gender roles, rejection, vulnerability and how it affects our connection in our intimate relationships.
The Three Types of Sex (According to Expert Sue Johnson): What are the three types of sex? Some are in it more for the pleasurable aspect of sex, without the need for connection. Others are in it for their emotional needs, which makes them feel more valued and gives them reassurance. Then there’s the perception we get from Hollywood (well, some of it) about what true connection is, emotionally and physically.
Sexual Safety: Wendy told Patrick, NO. Patrick did not respond in a way that made Wendy feel safe. How do we create a healthy environment to have vulnerable conversations? Have we truly navigated our own personal intimate needs in order to do so?
Individuation: Why it is SO IMPORTANT to acknowledge we are going to be different in our sexual relationships and accepting it in ways that make our partner confident to be vulnerable.  
Scheduling Sex: The pros? It means you’re putting in the work. The cons? Maybe it causes you to overthink. Maybe it doesn’t feel sexy anymore. But if we changed our perception and thought of it like a date, might we enjoy it more? We put the work into other aspects of out life, why can’t we do the same when it comes to sex?
This is another fun episode that will provide so much insight into how we all approach the sexual aspect of our relationship and provide some homework to all couples on how to navigate meeting each other in the middle (or the bedroom).

EP 29: Let's Talk About Sex!

SEX.
That’s it. That’s what today’s episode is about.
No, but really. Join Cayla and Lauren with special guest Claire Atenian, as they ask the questions that sometimes make us feel *uncomfortable* when it comes to the topic of sex. The girls dive into the world’s perception of sexuality, including exploration about what we were taught growing up, what we learned as individuals as we explored our own sexual identity, and what is considered NORMAL?Key Discussion Points:
The Five Facets of Our Sexuality:  We discuss the 5 Facets of Sexuality as written by Hillary McBride in her book The Wisdom of Your Body, and how all of them build on one another in our sexual experiences.
Sex Education, or lack thereof: Why is there a lack of openness to discussing, learning and seeking out more information about the facets of our sexuality? Why is it *uncomfortable*? Which leads to…
Shame and Confusion: How much sex is normal? What might we be willing to try if there was no shame or confusion surrounding this topic? Sometimes we just need the right tools to be successful in having *that* conversation with ourselves.
Pleasure: How stress, fear, or body triggers can get in the way of our pleasure. How do we navigate finding safety instead of shame in our desire for pleasure?
Pornography: How easy access to pornography has been shown to impact peoples' relationship to sex and intimacy. Disclaimer! We are not shaming pornography, just breaking down the purpose of why and how we consume it or what we learn from it.
Sex Drive and Arousal: We breakdown the differences between spontaneous arousal and responsive arousal, and how everyone really is different when it comes to the two. It’s not always like it is in the movies, and that’s OK.
Join us! We WENT THERE, and we had so much fun doing it. No pun intended. Thank you to Claire for joining us for this special and very important conversation that we plan to continue VERY soon…
Many thanks to our guest! Claire Atenian, LMFTSpecializing in adults and couples experiencing betrayal trauma, sexual issues, shame, and trauma. Claire@therosemarytree.org

EP 28: Forgiveness

In today’s episode, we dive into the steps it takes to move towards forgiveness, and how we can shift our perspective when we truly focus on how holding onto anger and resentment can affect our lives.
 
Key Discussion Points:
 
Reconciliation vs. Forgiveness: Colter, Cayla and Lauren discuss the differences between the two, and how they affect all parties involved.
 
Conditioning: Some of us have been taught to forgive before we even understand what it is we are forgiving someone for. Does this help us to move on, or does it lead to resentment?
 
Boundaries and Practicing Forgiveness: What boundary was crossed? Where do I start? We dive into how not practicing forgiveness can help one feel “safe”, but how that can be detrimental to being vulnerable and open in future circumstances.
 
The Process of Forgiveness: The event, and how to identify the components that caused your anger. Why we let is affect us, or cause us to blame ourselves. Does this define me? Or are they just having a bad day? Listen and learn some of the ways you can take back your power.
 
Join Us: When we've been betrayed, it's natural to feel anger, hurt, and resentment. However, forgiveness is a process that can help us heal and move forward. Tune in to learn the steps it takes to ultimately forgive yourself, which will help you forgive others when you have felt some type of betrayal.

EP 27: Spiritual Trauma with Brock Anderson

Disclaimer - This is not meant to bash religion, religious groups, it's to bring language and light to something that happens all too often, which is people misusing the power that comes alongside spiritual teaching and using it to shame or harm others.
In today's episode, we delve into the topic of spiritual trauma with Brock Anderson, LPC, who practices at the Thrive office in Phoenix. Brock is currently developing specialized training to help individuals overcome the unique challenges associated with spiritual trauma.
Key Discussion Points:
Understanding Spiritual Trauma: Brock explains what spiritual trauma is and how it differs from other types of trauma.
The Black and White Viewpoint: Many people engage in religion and walk away with a rigid, black-and-white perspective of the world. We discuss the importance of understanding that multiple truths can coexist.
Healing Through Acceptance: A critical part of healing from spiritual trauma is accepting that "I am a good person, and I have done bad things." This acknowledgment helps in resolving the inner conflict that often arises from a black-and-white worldview.
Specialized Training: Brock shares insights into the specialized training he is developing to support those dealing with spiritual trauma, highlighting practical steps and therapeutic approaches.
Join Us: Whether you've experienced spiritual trauma yourself or know someone who has, this episode provides valuable insights and practical advice on navigating this complex issue. Tune in to hear Brock Anderson's expert perspective on fostering healing and growth beyond spiritual harm.
Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and leave a review!
Contact Information:
Thrive Office in Phoenix: Thrivetherapyphx.com
Brock Anderson, LPC: brock@thrivetherapyphx.com
Resources:
Spiritual Trauma Group - This Fall
Dr Marlene Winell – Leaving the Fold
Faith after Doubt - Brian McLaren
Stages of Faith - James Fowler

EP 26: EFT

In this episode of "Relatable," Colter and Cayla sit down with Rachel Thomas, a seasoned Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, to delve into the intricacies of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Rachel, who has been practicing therapy since 1997, brings a wealth of experience and expertise to the discussion. As a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist and Supervisor, she specializes in helping couples foster healing and connection through EFT.
Rachel shares her extensive knowledge on what EFT is, its application in therapy, and the transformative impact it can have on relationships. The conversation also explores her experience with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a psychotherapy approach proven effective for treating trauma.
Key Topics:
Introduction to Rachel Thomas:
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1997.
President of Arizona EFT.
Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist and Supervisor.
Specialized in couple therapy and EMDR for trauma treatment.
What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?
Explanation of EFT principles and methodology.
How EFT is used to create emotional healing and connection in couples.
The role of the therapist in facilitating EFT sessions.
The Process of EFT in Therapy:
Steps involved in EFT sessions.
Real-life examples and case studies demonstrating EFT's effectiveness.
Challenges and rewards of using EFT with couples.
Understanding EMDR:
Overview of EMDR and its integration with other therapeutic approaches.
The significance of EMDR in treating trauma.
Rachel’s experiences and success stories using EMDR.
Resources Mentioned:
Therapy With Heart
Information on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Details on Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
 
Listen to the Full Episode:
Apple Podcasts
Spotify
Join us for an inspiring conversation with Rachel Thomas as we explore the transformative power of Emotionally Focused Therapy in strengthening relationships and promoting emotional well-being.

Ep 25: 6 Questions for increasing intimacy

In this insightful episode of *Relatable* Colter, Cayla, and Lauren delve into the nuances of building and maintaining intimacy in long-term relationships. They tackle tough but essential questions to ask partners, emphasizing the importance of asking for and being prepared to hear honest feedback.
 
 
**The Importance of Honest Feedback:**
   - Understanding and addressing the unique struggles of each partner.
   - Preparing oneself to hear and process honest feedback constructively.
 
**Improving Relationship Understanding:**
   - Questions to ask for better understanding and improving relational dynamics.
   - Lauren’s personal inquiry about her behavior when stressed, showcasing openness and vulnerability.
 
**Personal Stories and Struggles:**
   - Lauren, Colter, and Cayla share their personal experiences related to being parents, workers, and partners.
   - Colter and Lauren discuss navigating new family dynamics with grace.
 
**Timing and Setting the Stage:**
   - Finding uninterrupted time and setting the stage for deep conversations.
   - Suggestions for planning conversations carefully to avoid disappointment.
 
**Recognizing Relationship Strengths:**
   - Highlighting strengths in a relationship brings hope during hard seasons.
   - Starting conversations with a focus on strengths to build intimacy.
 
**Balancing Mystery and Security:**
   - Maintaining intimacy in a long-term relationship by balancing mystery and security.
   - Emotional intimacy as a foundation for sexual intimacy.
 
**Practical Questions for Building Intimacy:**
   - Six actionable questions aimed at improving relational intimacy.
   - Specific examples and personal anecdotes from the hosts on how these questions have been beneficial.
 
**Acts of Service and Appreciation:**
   - Cayla sharing gratitude for her partner’s acts of service.
   - Emphasizing the importance of recognizing and appreciating everyday efforts.
 
**Activity-Focused Intimacy:**
   - Importance of intentionally planning shared activities to bring couples closer.
   - Lauren’s story of feeling connected through shared activities suggested by her partner.
 
Interested in More??
- Teaser for the *Thriving Couples Workshop* led by Lauren and Cayla.
- Special guest Rachel Thomas to discuss emotionally focused therapy in next week’s episode.
 
- Have a question about intimacy or relationships? Send your questions to contact@thrivetherapyphx.com for a chance to be featured in an upcoming episode!

Ep 24: Pain

In this insightful and deeply empathetic episode of the Thrive Therapy Podcast, hosts Lauren, Colter, and Cayla delve into the complex emotion of pain. From personal vulnerabilities to professional insights, they explore the many facets of experiencing, understanding, and navigating through pain.
 
**Vulnerability and Misunderstanding:**
   - Lauren shares a personal story about feeling misunderstood in a conversation with her partner, leading to a realization that her emotional needs may not always be met.
   - Cayla empathizes with Lauren, acknowledging the disconnection that comes with feeling misunderstood.
 
**The Importance of Empathy:**
   - Colter emphasizes connecting with someone in pain through empathetic responses, without the urgency to fix or solve their problems.
   - The hosts practice empathetic responses through role play, focusing on validating and embodying the feelings shared by someone.
 
**Core Emotions and Disconnection:**
   - Discussion on the value of identifying core emotions to enhance understanding and support in relationships.
   - The hosts stress that naming and reflecting core emotions can pave the way for more profound empathy and connection.
 
**Experiencing and Processing Pain:**
   - Exploring how pain can be experienced in different degrees and how "stacking" pain can make it more challenging to manage.
   - The tendency to compare one's pain to others' (comparative suffering) and how it prevents addressing personal pain.
   - Acknowledging the aversion to pain when dealing with loss and the lowered capacity to support others in times of acute suffering.
 
**Physical vs. Emotional Pain:**
   - The parallels between handling physical and emotional pain, including adapting to limitations and seeking appropriate help.
   - The necessity of giving time for emotional healing and recognizing the impact of pain on daily functions and energy levels.
   - The challenge of returning to normal life after significant pain and the importance of creating space to process emotions.
 
**Theological Perspectives on Pain:**
   - Colter shares insights from his clinical mental health education and the theological challenges of reconciling an all-good, all-powerful God with the existence of pain.
 
**Grief and Pain Continuum:**
   - Differentiating between pain and grief, recognizing grief as a mix of emotions.
   - Comparing the stages of grief to different emotional states and understanding acceptance as part of the recovery from pain.
   - Discussing the continuum of pain from overwhelming suffering to avoidant behavior and how positivity can sometimes limit coping with pain.
 
**Personal Experiences:**
   - Personal reflections from the hosts on their experiences with pain and where they find themselves on the pain continuum.
   - Lauren introduces the concept of the "two arrows" of pain: the initial suffering and the additional suffering caused by ruminating and resisting the pain.
 
**Extended Impacts of Pain:**
   - How pain can extend beyond the initial loss, impacting future events and potential suffering.
 
 
The hosts wrap up by emphasizing the importance of leaning into and understanding pain and sadness. They also tease the next episode, which will focus on building relational intimacy.
 
** Remember to subscribe to Relatable .
 
**Join us next week as we continue to explore the depths of human emotions and relationships.**
 
 
- Instagram: @ThriveTherapyPHX