Relatable with Thrive Therapy

EP 49: 5 Love Languages

The episode discusses the concept of the "5 Love Languages," developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, which suggests that people express and receive love in five primary ways: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. The hosts explore the popularity of this model and its impact on relationships, noting that while it provides a helpful framework for understanding how people might prefer to receive love, it also has limitations. They address potential issues, such as the oversimplification of complex emotional needs and the tendency for people to use love languages rigidly rather than flexibly adapting to their partner's current emotional state.
 
 
Key Discussion Points
Benefits and Limitations of the "5 Love Languages" Model: the "5 Love Languages" originated with Dr. Gary Chapman, a pastor and counselor who developed the concept based on his observations with couples, that there are essentially 5 different languages or ways to express and receive feelings of love. When our brains are overwhelmed and we are having a hard time, this can help to simplify and categorize where/what our needs are. However, it's not actually taking into account that we are dynamic human beings who probably need some variation of all of these languages based on whatever circumstance that we're in.
 
Importance of Intention Behind Acts of Love: Dr. Chapman tells us that we are going to gravitate towards 1 or 2 of the love languages. But Colter, Lauren and Cayla stress the value of intentionality in expressing love. When a partner performs an act of love, like filling up a gas tank or giving a gift, they should communicate the intention behind it—whether it’s to show support, help relieve stress, or express gratitude. This approach can enhance the recipient's understanding of the gesture, making them feel truly valued and known. Expressing intention helps prevent misinterpretations or unappreciated efforts. For instance, someone who values acts of service might overlook a partner’s words of encouragement if they don’t understand the intended purpose behind the words.
 
Practical Use of Love Languages as a Preventative Tool, Not a Cure-All: The hosts emphasize that the "5 Love Languages" is best used as a preventative, everyday tool for connection rather than as a way to fix existing issues. Relying on love languages to repair a disconnected relationship can be problematic. Instead, they encourage couples to address the underlying issues causing disconnect and then use love languages as a supportive measure to maintain connection.
All in all, the 5 love languages can be useful for starting conversations about needs in relationships but creating language / having a conversation with our partner(s) is essential as they may require different types of love and support at different times. This episode promotes flexibility, curiosity, and intentional action in expressing love, while guiding couples to build a more nuanced and responsive connection.

EP 48: Self Care

In this episode, we’re digging into the real meaning of self-care—beyond the luxury spa days and indulgent treats. True self-care is about supporting your mental and physical energy so you can show up effectively for yourself and others. We'll explore how self-care is a proactive practice that keeps us within our “window of tolerance,” avoiding burnout and stress overload. We’ll unpack why this isn’t selfish, the surprising ways boundaries fit into self-care, and practical strategies to recognize when you’re nearing your limit. Tune in for analogies, real-life examples, and insights into making self-care a sustainable, essential part of life.
 
Self Care
What is self care: Self care can be preventative or responsive, but to simplify, it is caring for yourself. How we determine how or when we prioritize self care over sacrifice for others comes back to our window of tolerance. We all have a certain threshold, and to be within your tolerance, you need the front brain (prefrontal cortex) to still be online and accessible. When you get so stressed out, it causes you to go beyond that threshold of your tolerance level. Your front brain is going to go offline causing you to react in a fight, flight, freeze, or collapse manner.
 
Does practicing self care make you selfish: Imagine you as a car. You are wanting to get from Arizona to California without having to stop for gas, however the reality is if your car runs out of gas it doesn’t matter if you know where you are going, the way to get there, but you are still going to have to stop and fill up with gas even if it feels inconvenient to stop. If you don’t stop for gas (or to practice self care), you aren’t going to get where you need to go. In your life, the consequences of not making time for self care is: burnout, inability to manage life/stress, can’t prioritize relationships, etc.
 
Proactive vs Reactive Self Care: A great form of proactive self care are boundaries. The more we set up intentional structures in this proactive way, the less we have to tell others “no”. For example: telling people what they can expect with how you manage your schedule. By saying something such as “Hey I only have these days and these times” you are likely going to say “no” less because you are communicating what times you DO have available. Reactive self care is when the tank is getting empty, and I am getting cues that I am getting to the edge of my window. How can I react or keep myself in my window, in this moment, when something stressful is happening. This can look something like box breathing, diffusing essential oils, or going on a walk to take yourself out of the situation.
 
Some people struggle with self care for a number of reasons: boundaries are hard, they don’t want to disappoint/upset someone else, it has never been modeled for them, etc. Overall, self care is so much more than doing stuff that is luxurious and fun for you. It is more about how we are managing our energy well enough so we can stay healthy and function optimally.

EP 47: Over Explaining

In this episode of Relatable, Cayla, Colter, and Lauren dive into the reasons behind over-explaining and its impact on communication in relationships. We explore why the urge to control the narrative can make us add unnecessary details, leading to misunderstandings and, at times, disconnect. Through real-life examples, we discuss how over-explaining often arises from a fear of vulnerability and how it can inadvertently overwhelm our partners, leaving them feeling confused or criticized. Tune in to learn actionable strategies to reduce over-explaining, enhance connection, and foster clearer communication.
 
Key Discussion Points
Why Does Over Explaining Occur: The fear with not over explaining is that it leaves too much up for interpretation for how the other person is going to feel and people want to control the narrative. There is risk when practicing vulnerable communication. There is real vulnerability, because you don’t know how the other person is going to respond and/or how it is going to land with them. Additionally, We are so scared to ask for a specific need, so the temptation is there to keep adding to mitigate the margin for misinterpretation.
 
What To Do When Receiving Over Explanation: When your partner (or another person) is over explaining, Try to respond and reflect on what it is like to be the receiver/listener– “I am getting lost. I am having a hard time tracking all of this. I am getting overwhelmed, I don’t know what to grab on to here. Can we slow this down/start over?” We are not trying to criticize the person for using this strategy, but just reflecting on what it is like to be them receiving all of this information. If you notice that this information is overwhelming to you, you can even say, ““Hey, I want to hear this, but I am becoming overwhelmed with how much information I received. Can we talk about this tomorrow once I have processed?”
 
Strategies to Move Towards if We Use Over Explaining: First, we need to keep in mind that we can not control the outcome of the situation, but what we can control is the way that we present the information to our partner. We can write down bullet points of what we are trying to get across, so we can keep it concise–what specific request am I trying to get at? We can also be mindful of how much we are taking. Not just the number of words, but the speed of these. Are we allowing time to pause to make sure our partner is digesting and understanding it, in addition to allowing them time to talk through it if needed.
 
In the end, over-explaining often comes from a desire to control how we’re perceived, stemming from the fear of being misunderstood or facing criticism. The need to avoid misinterpretation drives us to keep adding details, but too much explanation can overwhelm our partner and instead of clarifying, it risks confusion and potential disconnection. Through preparing bullet points, monitoring word count and pacing, and paying attention to cues, and pausing to breathe and slowing down, this helps ensure our partner can follow along, creating a safer space for open communication.

EP 46: Passive Aggressiveness

In this episode, we dive into the complex world of passive-aggressiveness in relationships and communication. Hosts Cayla, Colter, and Lauren break down what passive aggression is, why people use it, and how it impacts interactions with others. They share personal anecdotes and common scenarios to explain the different ways passive-aggressive behaviors manifest, from backhanded compliments to sarcastic questions. The hosts also offer insights into how to recognize when you’re being passive-aggressive, the emotional motivations behind it, and strategies for both expressing yourself more directly and responding effectively when you're on the receiving end of passive aggression.
 
 
Key Discussion Points:
What is passive-aggressiveness and how do we see it most: It is a mismatch between what someone says and the tone they use, resulting in unclear emotional expression–they may say one thing but their tone communicates another. Passive aggression can show up in a handful of ways, the most common being the following: Backhanded compliments: “Wow, I didn’t know you could do the dishes!” Snarky questions: "So are we just not having dinner tonight?" The cold shoulder: Saying “I’m fine” when clearly not fine, creating incongruence between words and tone. Sarcastic remarks: “Must be nice to be perfect.”
Why people use this strategy and how to respond to it: While on the receiving end you may feel differently, this strategy often stems from fear—people are afraid to be vulnerable or directly express their needs. Instead, they use sarcasm or indirect comments to hint at their frustrations, which can lead to further miscommunication and irritation. It is important when responding to your partner to avoid mirroring passive aggression with more passive aggression. Try to acknowledge the behavior and gently probe: “I’m picking up that you’re frustrated—do you want to talk about it directly?” or maybe you can discuss with your partner ahead of time how to handle passive-aggressive exchanges to create a shared understanding.
Strategies to shift away from passive-aggressive communication: While sarcasm can be a healthy way to break tension when both partners are on the same page. However, it can quickly lead to a negative cycle when used to avoid direct conflict or expression. So if you can not name your emotions and directly state what you need from the other person. Take a second to contain. This is different from passiveness. You are not shoving this down and not saying anything, but recognizing that you need to close your own gate to regulate yourself until you can calmly come back and ask for it assertively.
Passive-aggressiveness is a tricky communication style because it often masks the true emotions behind indirect words and behaviors, leaving others confused or frustrated. Throughout this discussion, we've highlighted how passive-aggressiveness emerges from a fear of vulnerability, where individuals hint at their feelings or needs without expressing them openly. We've also explored various examples, from backhanded compliments to sarcastic remarks, that can derail healthy communication and deepen conflict. Ultimately, while it’s normal to occasionally fall into passive-aggressive habits, awareness and intentionality can help us move toward more vulnerable and authentic communication, which leads to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

EP 45: Avoidance

In this episode, we are continuing with James and Amy and their protective movies–today we dive into the concept of avoidance and how it manifests in relationships, especially during conflicts or challenging situations. Avoidance can take on various forms, like flight, freeze, or collapse, and often occurs when someone feels emotionally overwhelmed or fears the discomfort of confrontation. The discussion highlights how avoidance is not about avoiding the partner but rather the pain or discomfort that comes with difficult emotions and unresolved issues.
 
 
Key Discussion Points:
Where Avoidance Comes From: When we are avoiding, we are NOT avoiding our partner, we are avoiding conflict, pain or discomfort. When you use logic based strategies you may recognize that you can’t come to a solution that is going to make both of you happy, then your mind “says” it's easier to just not talk about it, because I don’t want to be unhappy / “lose”, nor do I want my partner to either. Most avoidance responses are flight, freeze, or collapse.
 
How to Recognize Avoidance: The fear of feeling shame or the pain beneath it can make people retreat from difficult conversations, so it is important to recognize how your body and mind react during avoidance is key. Some people experience blank thoughts, while others feel an overload of racing thoughts or physical shutdown. The episode discusses examples of avoidance in real-life scenarios, such as partners avoiding difficult conversations by shutting down or deflecting. If you use this protective strategy, how do you catch yourself moving towards avoidance?
 
Reprogramming Avoidance: How to recognize when avoidance strategies are being employed and the importance of naming those feelings. Discussing the need to develop new, emotionally safe ways to set boundaries and commit to revisiting issues later. One key to overcoming avoidance is being vulnerable with your partner about your fears and needs. Example strategies include slowing down conversations, naming what feels overwhelming, and giving a specific timeline for revisiting difficult discussions. By identifying and acknowledging avoidance patterns, couples can take steps toward more open, emotionally safe conversations that foster connection rather than disconnection.
 
In the end, overcoming avoidance takes time and practice. It's not about avoiding conflict but learning to navigate it in a way that feels emotionally safe and manageable. It's about recognizing our triggers, being honest with ourselves and our partners, and taking small steps toward more open, connected communication. By doing so, we create opportunities for deeper understanding and stronger emotional bonds in our relationships.

EP 44: Criticism

In this episode of Relatable, we continue to follow this fictional couple Amy and James as they uncover different protective moves that they use. Today we dive into criticism within personal and relational contexts, particularly in couples. We discuss how criticism can stem from a strong inner critic that drives productivity and self-management, and how this can spill over into relationships, often with negative consequences. Through therapeutic insights, we unpack why criticism is often used as a misguided attempt to motivate others or protect ourselves from external judgment. We also examine the differences between criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, and discuss practical strategies to transform critical language into more vulnerable, constructive communication.
 
Key Discussion Points:
The Inner Critic: Many individuals possess an internal voice that critiques them to push for productivity and avoid perceived laziness, however in relationships, this inner critic can manifest as external criticism towards a partner, with the mistaken belief that it will motivate change. Criticism often stems from a desire to control one’s environment before others have a chance to criticize. For example: Someone keeping things organized to avoid being called lazy or unorganized by someone else. Because we are all unique with different nervous systems and the way we process the world, the way we criticize ourselves may not work effectively with our partners.
Motivation Behind Criticism: Some people can confuse criticism and righteousness, as they may show up similarly, however there is a deeper difference between the two. Amy, from the vignette, feels burdened by responsibilities in her relationship and uses criticism to express her frustration rather than communicating her vulnerability. Criticism often masks a deeper desire for change or acknowledgment. In couples, it’s not necessarily about being right but about wanting to be seen, understood, and loved differently. Behind every criticism there is a request. Can you think of a time where you were wanting to ask your partner or someone else for something that you needed (help, validation, tidiness, etc.), but it came out as criticism (“I have so many things going on, and you never seem to help”, or “I am always the one to pick up after the kids or keep the house clean”)?
Reworking Critical Language to Vulnerability: To avoid being critical it is important to catch when you are feeling this way, and express the needs/requests you have in a vulnerable way. In the vignette we heard Amy complain to the therapist that James never calls his parents first or has his family involved in their lives. At this moment, Amy feels unsupported, and is criticizing how James communicates (or doesn’t) with his parents. Amy should rework her statement to shift to vulnerability and communicate what it is like to be her, and her underlying request.
Overall, we hope listeners are able to hear how criticism shows up in relationships, why we use this strategy and the impact that it has on the people around us even though we hope that it doesn’t land that way. Colter, Lauren and Cayla show you how to recognize when you are being more critical and how to do it differently. Protective strategies are things that we have learned and used for a long time, and it's hard to drop them. Their goal with these groups of episodes is to move into some understanding and clarity to access more vulnerability and connection in our lives.

EP 43: Defensiveness

On this episode of Relatable Colter, Lauren, and Cayla discuss the concept of defensiveness in communication, particularly within relationships. Defensiveness occurs when individuals feel attacked or shamed, leading them to respond by justifying their actions or shifting blame. This behavior often results in a disconnect between partners and can invalidate the other person's feelings. The podcast emphasizes the importance of empathetic listening and understanding before responding, as immediate defensiveness can hinder connection and communication.
 
Key Discussion Points:
Defensiveness vs gaslighting: Sometimes defensiveness gets mislabeled as gaslighting. While the feelings of the recipient may feel the same, the intention is quite different. Gaslighting is using a strategy intentionally to get a reaction or to try and see something a certain way because someone is manipulating you. Defensiveness comes from trying to communicate what it is like to be you so someone can see your perspective to avoid shame or disappointment. Not trying to intentionally manipulate, just had a different experience.
 
Impacts of Defensiveness: When defensiveness is defined as a disconnecting strategy, the opposing question is: “so should I never defend myself?” The answer is no. As mentioned above, so defensiveness comes from wanting to provide some clarification. There are some seldom benefits to defensiveness; however, the negative impacts far outweigh them. Defensiveness creates invalidation, making partners feel unheard and unsafe to express their feelings which can hinder constructive communication and emotional connection. Can you recognize when you are speaking out of defensiveness to protect versus defensiveness to provide clarity? How do you see that affect the conversation with your partner moving forward?
 
Self-Awareness/Raw Spots: When someone feels like their behavior is criticized, they move to “well I would(n’t) have done this if you had(n’t) done that” to justify our behaviors. If we are able to recognize personal triggers that lead you to defensiveness, you can become more aware and keep yourself accountable. Likewise, sharing these triggers with your partner can promote understanding and reduce defensive reactions. When defensiveness comes up (or before it does), ask some questions: “Is there anything that I know I did that I can own?” “I am having a hard time understanding your perspective, can you help me fill in some of the gaps?”
 
Overall, defensiveness, even when worked on, will show up in relationships. This episode offers valuable insights into improving communication, enhancing emotional connection, and navigating defensiveness in relationships. When we are trying to correct protective responses that land on our partner as disconnecting or invalidating, we don’t always have to catch it in the moment—we don’t have to be perfect. Repair is equally as good as preventing. Listeners are encouraged to share their "raw spots" with partners to foster understanding and reduce defensiveness when it occurs.

EP 42: Righteousness

This podcast episode explores the dynamics of protective moves in relationships, emphasizing how they stem from feelings of vulnerability and fear. When individuals feel threatened, their nervous systems may shift into a defensive state, resulting in behaviors that can be harmful or misconstrued by their partners. Key protective strategies discussed include self-righteousness and contempt, both of which can create emotional distance and shame.
Protective Moves: When faced with vulnerability, the nervous system may shift from social engagement to fight/flight/freeze, leading to automatic defensive behaviors that can be perceived as hurtful when in reality it is a protective strategy from someone fighting for the connection. Can you recognize and identify when you start to shift to fight/flight/free when presented with vulnerability? What are some of those triggers?
Understanding in Relationships: The use of protective strategies can evoke feelings of shame in the recipient, which can lead to withdrawal and further disconnection. With that, it’s important to acknowledge that both partners may feel overwhelmed. Practicing empathy and understanding each other's perspectives can foster connection. How can you express empathy when your partner is acting defensively? What strategies can you use to remind yourself of your partner’s strengths during conflicts?
Boundary Management: Effective boundaries should be established as means of self-care rather than punishment, focusing on what is tolerable in the relationship. So instead of saying “I won’t tolerate this, I am going to leave the relationship”, start by listing out what is tolerable to you. That way you are able to set clear boundaries ahead of time versus during a time you are outside of your window. Can you communicate your boundaries without creating defensiveness that can maintain a healthy relationship?
Overall, listeners are encouraged to cultivate awareness of their emotional and physical responses during conflicts and to recognize when they or their partners are outside their “window of tolerance.” By fostering empathy and understanding each other’s experiences, couples can work towards re-establishing connection. This episode brings more understanding of righteousness and where these protective moves come from and how they present themselves in a relationship. Through communication and reflection, couples can navigate these challenges and enhance their relational dynamics.

EP 41: Trust

Is trust a gut feeling that you have, or actions that someone does, or something that you just give everyone when you meet them? The word trust is used a lot, but it is not well defined. On this week’s episode of Relatable, we explore how we approach trust in relationships, particularly whether we start by trusting people until they prove untrustworthy, or if we wait for them to earn our trust. It emphasizes that trust isn't one-size-fits-all, as it depends on what we're trusting someone with.
 
Key Discussion Points:
What trust looks like to one person, may not be the same as others. Some people will give trust to others right away and start retracting as they start to see they are untrustworthy and others are the opposite–not giving trust until they see they are capable of it. How do we decide what aspects of someone (e.g., their intentions or their actions) we trust early on?
 
Defining Trust: For those who haven't experienced secure relationships, there can be a tendency to either shut people out (rigid protection) or trust everyone (boundarylessness). Without the ability to discern between green, yellow, and red flags in relationships, it becomes difficult not only to trust others but also to trust oneself. Brene Brown’s idea of "BRAVING," seven key indicators of trust: Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault (confidentiality), Integrity, Non-judgment, and Generosity helps us break down what defines trust in relationships. Which of the 7 areas causes you to lack trust with other individuals?
 
In this episode, Cayla tells those that are building and discerning trust to visualize these 7 categories as buckets that overtime we are filling which will aid us in knowing if we can trust someone. The metaphor of trust as "buckets" suggests that trust builds gradually, and when one of the buckets is low, it's an opportunity for communication, not an automatic end to the relationship. It encourages us to reflect on whether that person is trustworthy and where both parties might be able to improve when fostering trust. In your own life, when you see that others are dropping the buckets, are you quick to end the relationships or are you one to address these concerns with the other party?
 
The message of this episode is that trust (how it's formed, maintained, and sometimes broken) can be determined by many different factors. At the core is the idea that trust is not an all-or-nothing concept but a nuanced, gradual process that involves discernment, boundaries, and a set of clear indicators. Ultimately, trust is presented as both a personal and relational practice that requires ongoing effort. By being mindful of the BRAVING framework, we can better navigate trust in all areas of life—ensuring that we not only trust others but also show up as trustworthy ourselves.

EP 40: Personality in Relationships

On this week’s episode of Relatable, navigating personality differences in relationships. Colter, Cayla and Lauren  We'll explore the concept of individuation—how our unique interests, temperaments, and ways of thinking shape our personalities and affect our interactions with our partners. We'll also discuss the tension between protection and personality, and how to recognize when we're defending ourselves versus embracing our differences.
 
Key Discussion Points:
What excites or intrigues us, may not be the same for our partner. In Colter’s vignette he talks about how Josh wanted to surprise Kara with a date night, but when he picked a fancier place that was buzzing with people drinking wine and ate Hors d'oeuvres, what he thought was going to be fun, was not received the same way by his partner. Can you recognize how differences with your partner can lead to disconnect or misinterpretations.Connection: When it comes to a romantic or platonic relationship, understanding one another’s personality is huge when creating a connection. Whether it’s Big 5 personalities such as openness to experience, extroversion, etc. or qualities of a specific Enneagram #, we all bring different traits to a relationship. Can you recall a time where you wanted to connect with someone but there was something about our personalities that made it difficult? (i.e. I thought it was something that we would both enjoy, but only I did).Differences in Relationships: Both Cayla and Lauren talked about how their current and previous partners had some pretty big differences in their relationships. Dance is a big part of Cayla’s life and her fiancé doesn’t enjoy it at all. When there are differences in a relationship, it can cause some grief (I wish they liked ____, I want them to enjoy doing _____, my partner doesn’t want to engage in this area of my life, etc.) Are there any areas/interests that you really need a partner to connect to?
The overall message of this episode is to understand and recognize that personality plays a big part in relationships. For example, if one person likes spontaneity and the other like organized, planned events are you more likely to accept these differences, or try to change your partner to feel similarly to you? Colter, Cayla and Lauren talk about how open and honest communication can help couples navigate differences effectively. By recognizing, respecting and embracing them, you can try and avoid reoccurring conflicts or differences that stem from these personality differences.