Relatable with Thrive Therapy

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This is our final episode on this feed. That's right we are moving to a new show! Don't worry, new episodes are already out and you can access right here:
Relationship Advice on Spotify
Relationship Advice on Apple
 
Old Catalog of Episodes
thrivetherapyphx.com/podcasts

EP 52: How to Support a Loved One Who is Struggling

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Relationship Advice on Apple Podcasts
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How do you support loved ones during challenging times, such as mental health struggles, medical issues, grief, or addiction? Listen as our hosts explore recognizing signs of struggle, managing emotional reactions like fear or frustration, and offering effective support by combining curiosity, validation, and clear communication.
In this episode, Colter, Cayla, and Lauren talk about these topics
Common Struggles
Emotional Responses in Helper Role
Signs of Struggle
Strategies for Support
Navigating Boundaries
Building Connection
And more!
This is our last episode here on Relatable as we are moving our podcasts over to Relationship Advice. If you have been loving our content here, please follow/subscribe to our new podcast to keep up with all of our content 🎉

EP 51: How to Love Withdrawers Well

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Most people have experienced moments of withdrawal or disconnection in relationships, especially during conflict. For some, these patterns can create misunderstandings and distance. No matter your role in the dynamic—whether pursuer or withdrawer—we can all benefit from deeper connection and greater emotional safety. Listen to today's show to learn how to support your withdrawer partner, foster secure attachment, and strengthen your bond.
 
Cayla, Colter, and Lauren discuss topics such as:
Understanding Withdrawers
Key Challenges for Withdrawers
Common Patterns in the Relationship
Practical Strategies for Loving Withdrawers
Balancing Needs in the Relationship
Shifting Toward Secure Attachment
And more!
 
Just a reminder, We Are Moving 🎉
Relatable is going to be transitioning to the podcast Relationship Advice in a couple weeks! Be sure to subscribe to the new podcast–link here!

EP 50: How to Love Pursuers Well

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This episode from Relatable, hosts Colter, Lauren, and Cayla lean into the dynamics of pursuer-withdrawer relationships, focusing on how to understand and support pursuers effectively. As part of a broader series on relational dynamics, this episode emphasizes recognizing attachment needs, addressing raw spots, and providing proactive care to build healthier, more connected relationships. The hosts share personal anecdotes, psychological insights, and actionable strategies to help listeners navigate these dynamics.
Key Discussion Points
Who are the pursuers in a relationship and what drives their behavior?
Pursuers are described as individuals who, during moments of disconnection or conflict, attempt to restore the relationship by seeking engagement. However, their strategies—such as high-energy behaviors, demands, or criticisms—often come across as overwhelming to their partner. Pursuers act out of fear—fear of being abandoned, ignored, or dismissed. Kayla highlights that beneath the demands and criticisms is often a deep sense of insecurity and fear of losing the relationship.
 
Strategies to Support Pursuers:
Proactive Reassurance: Partners can reduce a pursuer’s anxiety by making explicit commitments and addressing fears of abandonment. In the vignette, the pursuer’s partner says, “I know it’s hard for you to let things sit, but I need some more time to organize my thoughts.” This acknowledgment soothes the pursuer’s fear while setting a boundary. Cayla suggests partners say things like, “I’m not going anywhere,” or, “This relationship matters to me,” which directly address the core fear of disconnection.
Making the Implicit Explicit: Silence is often misinterpreted as punishment or disinterest by pursuers. Colter and Kayla emphasize the importance of clearly communicating intentions when a partner needs space. Example: “If you can cue me in, that your silence is because you don’t have the language right now, that helps me a lot.”
Meeting Needs Through Love Languages
Building a Connection Reservoir:
Preventative Drops in the Bucket: It is important to have consistent, small acts of connection that build trust and emotional safety over time. This “reservoir” of positive interactions helps sustain the relationship during conflicts. When conflict arises, there’s a memory bank of things that feel safe and loving that our brains can pull from. Lauren shares how a nightly habit of thanking each other for cooking dinner creates consistent deposits into the connection bucket, fostering a sense of partnership and appreciation.
 
This episode offers listeners strategies to help pursuers feel loved and secure, such as: providing verbal reassurance of commitment during conflict, using small, consistent gestures to build trust/safety, and clearly communicating reasons for needing space to avoid misunderstandings. Through personal stories, professional insights, and practical advice, the hosts offer a thoughtful guide to understanding pursuers and strengthening relationships.

EP 49: 5 Love Languages

The episode discusses the concept of the "5 Love Languages," developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, which suggests that people express and receive love in five primary ways: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. The hosts explore the popularity of this model and its impact on relationships, noting that while it provides a helpful framework for understanding how people might prefer to receive love, it also has limitations. They address potential issues, such as the oversimplification of complex emotional needs and the tendency for people to use love languages rigidly rather than flexibly adapting to their partner's current emotional state.
 
 
Key Discussion Points
Benefits and Limitations of the "5 Love Languages" Model: the "5 Love Languages" originated with Dr. Gary Chapman, a pastor and counselor who developed the concept based on his observations with couples, that there are essentially 5 different languages or ways to express and receive feelings of love. When our brains are overwhelmed and we are having a hard time, this can help to simplify and categorize where/what our needs are. However, it's not actually taking into account that we are dynamic human beings who probably need some variation of all of these languages based on whatever circumstance that we're in.
 
Importance of Intention Behind Acts of Love: Dr. Chapman tells us that we are going to gravitate towards 1 or 2 of the love languages. But Colter, Lauren and Cayla stress the value of intentionality in expressing love. When a partner performs an act of love, like filling up a gas tank or giving a gift, they should communicate the intention behind it—whether it’s to show support, help relieve stress, or express gratitude. This approach can enhance the recipient's understanding of the gesture, making them feel truly valued and known. Expressing intention helps prevent misinterpretations or unappreciated efforts. For instance, someone who values acts of service might overlook a partner’s words of encouragement if they don’t understand the intended purpose behind the words.
 
Practical Use of Love Languages as a Preventative Tool, Not a Cure-All: The hosts emphasize that the "5 Love Languages" is best used as a preventative, everyday tool for connection rather than as a way to fix existing issues. Relying on love languages to repair a disconnected relationship can be problematic. Instead, they encourage couples to address the underlying issues causing disconnect and then use love languages as a supportive measure to maintain connection.
All in all, the 5 love languages can be useful for starting conversations about needs in relationships but creating language / having a conversation with our partner(s) is essential as they may require different types of love and support at different times. This episode promotes flexibility, curiosity, and intentional action in expressing love, while guiding couples to build a more nuanced and responsive connection.

EP 48: Self Care

In this episode, we’re digging into the real meaning of self-care—beyond the luxury spa days and indulgent treats. True self-care is about supporting your mental and physical energy so you can show up effectively for yourself and others. We'll explore how self-care is a proactive practice that keeps us within our “window of tolerance,” avoiding burnout and stress overload. We’ll unpack why this isn’t selfish, the surprising ways boundaries fit into self-care, and practical strategies to recognize when you’re nearing your limit. Tune in for analogies, real-life examples, and insights into making self-care a sustainable, essential part of life.
 
Self Care
What is self care: Self care can be preventative or responsive, but to simplify, it is caring for yourself. How we determine how or when we prioritize self care over sacrifice for others comes back to our window of tolerance. We all have a certain threshold, and to be within your tolerance, you need the front brain (prefrontal cortex) to still be online and accessible. When you get so stressed out, it causes you to go beyond that threshold of your tolerance level. Your front brain is going to go offline causing you to react in a fight, flight, freeze, or collapse manner.
 
Does practicing self care make you selfish: Imagine you as a car. You are wanting to get from Arizona to California without having to stop for gas, however the reality is if your car runs out of gas it doesn’t matter if you know where you are going, the way to get there, but you are still going to have to stop and fill up with gas even if it feels inconvenient to stop. If you don’t stop for gas (or to practice self care), you aren’t going to get where you need to go. In your life, the consequences of not making time for self care is: burnout, inability to manage life/stress, can’t prioritize relationships, etc.
 
Proactive vs Reactive Self Care: A great form of proactive self care are boundaries. The more we set up intentional structures in this proactive way, the less we have to tell others “no”. For example: telling people what they can expect with how you manage your schedule. By saying something such as “Hey I only have these days and these times” you are likely going to say “no” less because you are communicating what times you DO have available. Reactive self care is when the tank is getting empty, and I am getting cues that I am getting to the edge of my window. How can I react or keep myself in my window, in this moment, when something stressful is happening. This can look something like box breathing, diffusing essential oils, or going on a walk to take yourself out of the situation.
 
Some people struggle with self care for a number of reasons: boundaries are hard, they don’t want to disappoint/upset someone else, it has never been modeled for them, etc. Overall, self care is so much more than doing stuff that is luxurious and fun for you. It is more about how we are managing our energy well enough so we can stay healthy and function optimally.

EP 47: Over Explaining

In this episode of Relatable, Cayla, Colter, and Lauren dive into the reasons behind over-explaining and its impact on communication in relationships. We explore why the urge to control the narrative can make us add unnecessary details, leading to misunderstandings and, at times, disconnect. Through real-life examples, we discuss how over-explaining often arises from a fear of vulnerability and how it can inadvertently overwhelm our partners, leaving them feeling confused or criticized. Tune in to learn actionable strategies to reduce over-explaining, enhance connection, and foster clearer communication.
 
Key Discussion Points
Why Does Over Explaining Occur: The fear with not over explaining is that it leaves too much up for interpretation for how the other person is going to feel and people want to control the narrative. There is risk when practicing vulnerable communication. There is real vulnerability, because you don’t know how the other person is going to respond and/or how it is going to land with them. Additionally, We are so scared to ask for a specific need, so the temptation is there to keep adding to mitigate the margin for misinterpretation.
 
What To Do When Receiving Over Explanation: When your partner (or another person) is over explaining, Try to respond and reflect on what it is like to be the receiver/listener– “I am getting lost. I am having a hard time tracking all of this. I am getting overwhelmed, I don’t know what to grab on to here. Can we slow this down/start over?” We are not trying to criticize the person for using this strategy, but just reflecting on what it is like to be them receiving all of this information. If you notice that this information is overwhelming to you, you can even say, ““Hey, I want to hear this, but I am becoming overwhelmed with how much information I received. Can we talk about this tomorrow once I have processed?”
 
Strategies to Move Towards if We Use Over Explaining: First, we need to keep in mind that we can not control the outcome of the situation, but what we can control is the way that we present the information to our partner. We can write down bullet points of what we are trying to get across, so we can keep it concise–what specific request am I trying to get at? We can also be mindful of how much we are taking. Not just the number of words, but the speed of these. Are we allowing time to pause to make sure our partner is digesting and understanding it, in addition to allowing them time to talk through it if needed.
 
In the end, over-explaining often comes from a desire to control how we’re perceived, stemming from the fear of being misunderstood or facing criticism. The need to avoid misinterpretation drives us to keep adding details, but too much explanation can overwhelm our partner and instead of clarifying, it risks confusion and potential disconnection. Through preparing bullet points, monitoring word count and pacing, and paying attention to cues, and pausing to breathe and slowing down, this helps ensure our partner can follow along, creating a safer space for open communication.

EP 46: Passive Aggressiveness

In this episode, we dive into the complex world of passive-aggressiveness in relationships and communication. Hosts Cayla, Colter, and Lauren break down what passive aggression is, why people use it, and how it impacts interactions with others. They share personal anecdotes and common scenarios to explain the different ways passive-aggressive behaviors manifest, from backhanded compliments to sarcastic questions. The hosts also offer insights into how to recognize when you’re being passive-aggressive, the emotional motivations behind it, and strategies for both expressing yourself more directly and responding effectively when you're on the receiving end of passive aggression.
 
 
Key Discussion Points:
What is passive-aggressiveness and how do we see it most: It is a mismatch between what someone says and the tone they use, resulting in unclear emotional expression–they may say one thing but their tone communicates another. Passive aggression can show up in a handful of ways, the most common being the following: Backhanded compliments: “Wow, I didn’t know you could do the dishes!” Snarky questions: "So are we just not having dinner tonight?" The cold shoulder: Saying “I’m fine” when clearly not fine, creating incongruence between words and tone. Sarcastic remarks: “Must be nice to be perfect.”
Why people use this strategy and how to respond to it: While on the receiving end you may feel differently, this strategy often stems from fear—people are afraid to be vulnerable or directly express their needs. Instead, they use sarcasm or indirect comments to hint at their frustrations, which can lead to further miscommunication and irritation. It is important when responding to your partner to avoid mirroring passive aggression with more passive aggression. Try to acknowledge the behavior and gently probe: “I’m picking up that you’re frustrated—do you want to talk about it directly?” or maybe you can discuss with your partner ahead of time how to handle passive-aggressive exchanges to create a shared understanding.
Strategies to shift away from passive-aggressive communication: While sarcasm can be a healthy way to break tension when both partners are on the same page. However, it can quickly lead to a negative cycle when used to avoid direct conflict or expression. So if you can not name your emotions and directly state what you need from the other person. Take a second to contain. This is different from passiveness. You are not shoving this down and not saying anything, but recognizing that you need to close your own gate to regulate yourself until you can calmly come back and ask for it assertively.
Passive-aggressiveness is a tricky communication style because it often masks the true emotions behind indirect words and behaviors, leaving others confused or frustrated. Throughout this discussion, we've highlighted how passive-aggressiveness emerges from a fear of vulnerability, where individuals hint at their feelings or needs without expressing them openly. We've also explored various examples, from backhanded compliments to sarcastic remarks, that can derail healthy communication and deepen conflict. Ultimately, while it’s normal to occasionally fall into passive-aggressive habits, awareness and intentionality can help us move toward more vulnerable and authentic communication, which leads to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

EP 45: Avoidance

In this episode, we are continuing with James and Amy and their protective movies–today we dive into the concept of avoidance and how it manifests in relationships, especially during conflicts or challenging situations. Avoidance can take on various forms, like flight, freeze, or collapse, and often occurs when someone feels emotionally overwhelmed or fears the discomfort of confrontation. The discussion highlights how avoidance is not about avoiding the partner but rather the pain or discomfort that comes with difficult emotions and unresolved issues.
 
 
Key Discussion Points:
Where Avoidance Comes From: When we are avoiding, we are NOT avoiding our partner, we are avoiding conflict, pain or discomfort. When you use logic based strategies you may recognize that you can’t come to a solution that is going to make both of you happy, then your mind “says” it's easier to just not talk about it, because I don’t want to be unhappy / “lose”, nor do I want my partner to either. Most avoidance responses are flight, freeze, or collapse.
 
How to Recognize Avoidance: The fear of feeling shame or the pain beneath it can make people retreat from difficult conversations, so it is important to recognize how your body and mind react during avoidance is key. Some people experience blank thoughts, while others feel an overload of racing thoughts or physical shutdown. The episode discusses examples of avoidance in real-life scenarios, such as partners avoiding difficult conversations by shutting down or deflecting. If you use this protective strategy, how do you catch yourself moving towards avoidance?
 
Reprogramming Avoidance: How to recognize when avoidance strategies are being employed and the importance of naming those feelings. Discussing the need to develop new, emotionally safe ways to set boundaries and commit to revisiting issues later. One key to overcoming avoidance is being vulnerable with your partner about your fears and needs. Example strategies include slowing down conversations, naming what feels overwhelming, and giving a specific timeline for revisiting difficult discussions. By identifying and acknowledging avoidance patterns, couples can take steps toward more open, emotionally safe conversations that foster connection rather than disconnection.
 
In the end, overcoming avoidance takes time and practice. It's not about avoiding conflict but learning to navigate it in a way that feels emotionally safe and manageable. It's about recognizing our triggers, being honest with ourselves and our partners, and taking small steps toward more open, connected communication. By doing so, we create opportunities for deeper understanding and stronger emotional bonds in our relationships.

EP 44: Criticism

In this episode of Relatable, we continue to follow this fictional couple Amy and James as they uncover different protective moves that they use. Today we dive into criticism within personal and relational contexts, particularly in couples. We discuss how criticism can stem from a strong inner critic that drives productivity and self-management, and how this can spill over into relationships, often with negative consequences. Through therapeutic insights, we unpack why criticism is often used as a misguided attempt to motivate others or protect ourselves from external judgment. We also examine the differences between criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, and discuss practical strategies to transform critical language into more vulnerable, constructive communication.
 
Key Discussion Points:
The Inner Critic: Many individuals possess an internal voice that critiques them to push for productivity and avoid perceived laziness, however in relationships, this inner critic can manifest as external criticism towards a partner, with the mistaken belief that it will motivate change. Criticism often stems from a desire to control one’s environment before others have a chance to criticize. For example: Someone keeping things organized to avoid being called lazy or unorganized by someone else. Because we are all unique with different nervous systems and the way we process the world, the way we criticize ourselves may not work effectively with our partners.
Motivation Behind Criticism: Some people can confuse criticism and righteousness, as they may show up similarly, however there is a deeper difference between the two. Amy, from the vignette, feels burdened by responsibilities in her relationship and uses criticism to express her frustration rather than communicating her vulnerability. Criticism often masks a deeper desire for change or acknowledgment. In couples, it’s not necessarily about being right but about wanting to be seen, understood, and loved differently. Behind every criticism there is a request. Can you think of a time where you were wanting to ask your partner or someone else for something that you needed (help, validation, tidiness, etc.), but it came out as criticism (“I have so many things going on, and you never seem to help”, or “I am always the one to pick up after the kids or keep the house clean”)?
Reworking Critical Language to Vulnerability: To avoid being critical it is important to catch when you are feeling this way, and express the needs/requests you have in a vulnerable way. In the vignette we heard Amy complain to the therapist that James never calls his parents first or has his family involved in their lives. At this moment, Amy feels unsupported, and is criticizing how James communicates (or doesn’t) with his parents. Amy should rework her statement to shift to vulnerability and communicate what it is like to be her, and her underlying request.
Overall, we hope listeners are able to hear how criticism shows up in relationships, why we use this strategy and the impact that it has on the people around us even though we hope that it doesn’t land that way. Colter, Lauren and Cayla show you how to recognize when you are being more critical and how to do it differently. Protective strategies are things that we have learned and used for a long time, and it's hard to drop them. Their goal with these groups of episodes is to move into some understanding and clarity to access more vulnerability and connection in our lives.